I recently had a really vivid memory of something that happened one autumn when I was around twelve years old.
People in the gay community are always asking one another "When is it that you *knew* you were gay?"
For me there wasn't ever a specific calandar date to point back to & reference when I'd attempt to answer this. I had brief & fleeting memories of moments over my childhood where I knew I was different from the other boys my age but not really sure what to call it.
For instance I remember being very young & singing in the kids' choir at church & being aware of how much I loved being there and how oddly those feelings seemed to contrast with those of the other boys. I remember they all acted as though they couldn't wait for it to end & I felt like I would want to stay there all afternoon.
I remember, silly as it sounds, loving the way He-Man acted when walking among other residents of Eternia as Prince Adam... lol.
...all of the 'tell tale signs' got progressively more obvious as I got a little older but I never could remember a time prior to coming out as a twenty four year old where I knew what to call it & recognised it for what it was.
Until the other day, that is...
I was going through some old stuff ( & I mean OLD stuff ) from my junior high & high school days & found the remnants of a weekend so long ago I had almost forgotten I had ever lived through it.
I used to save everything as a teenager. My bedroom was a shrine to all things pop culture that I enjoyed... TV Guide covers coupled with pictures of me & the girls I hung out with in junior high & high school covered my bedroom walls to the point that the walls beneath weren't even visible.
When I moved out I took several things off the walls & threw them into a cheap WalMart scrapbook.
There's my backstage pass to the Amy Grant "House of Love" tour that I won from a local Christian radio station in Wichita... US Weekly clippings of celebrity pairings like Teri Hatcher & Dean Cain, Helen Hunt & Paul Reiser... about a jillion POGS (why were those things *ever* cool???)...
...and there's also a wallet sized picture of a boy named Joe.
Joe was a tall, tan soccer playing freshman I met when I went to a Promise Keepers conference with my Dad & church group as a seventh grader.
Lol - I know it sounds so cheesy but looking at that school picture of him balancing that soccer ball on his knee I knew that that weekend I met him was probably the weekend I also first began to accept myself as gay.
Joe & his dad had come on a church bus (just like my Dad & I) to Denver to the Promise Keepers convention at Mile High Stadium.
Joe was from Nebraska & we sat right next to one another in a stadium full of crying men for three whole days - neither of us sure what to make of what was happening around us. There was music & preaching & intermissions & while we knew it was visibly very inspirational to the older men in our midst, as kids we weren't all that moved by what was happening around us...
Luckily Joe had a game boy that we were able to sneak off and play Mario Brothers on for hours...
Other than tons of forty something men hugging & sobbing that weekend Joe is all I remember...
I remember feeling very close to him & dreading the end of the weekend when I'd board a bus back to Kansas & he'd board one back to Nebraska.
I don't know if my Dad was aware that weekend of the fact that I was feeling for Joe what I was but when Joe's church group had to make an unexpected exit from the last night of the conference he was the one responsible for making sure I didn't lose touch with my new friend...
Joe & I had parted ways to go have dinner with our individual church groups the final night of the conference. We were intent on meeting afterwards for one last game of Mario to be conducted during the final presentation Sunday night.
I remember I was wearing a denim jacket & jeans as our church group filed back into the stadium to reclaim our seats...
...all the seats to my right where Joe & his dad & their group had been sitting were oddly vacant. I didn't think too much of it until an older man seated in the row of stadium seats behind us tapped me on my shoulder & asked "Did you get to say goodbye to your friend?"
I remember feeling very panicked in that moment... Goodbye? We still had a few hours before I was planning on saying that... I had wanted to get Joe's address & maybe even give him a hug... ask him if he wanted to be pen pals so we could share video game codes after I got a GameBoy of my own...
"He left?" I asked the man behind us.
"Yeah, guess they got word of some unexpected emergency back home & all had to get out of here just as fast as they could."
"Lord I Lift Your Name On High" began to play announcing the beginning of the final workshop of the conference. The sky over the stadium was purple as the sun set & the air became ever chillier... 👂
...and I remember that as I sat there & began to shiver a tear made it's way down my cheek. I don't know if at that point I even knew why I was crying. But as a twenty eight year old looking back on it now? I know it was because I felt like I'd lost my first love.
My Dad noticed my tears & stooped down to ask me what was wrong...
I don't know why he had the response he did... maybe because I was a twelve year old boy who'd never had a male friend my whole life & because he thought helping me find Joe would be the first step towards securing a friendship with a person not named Jennifer, Natasha, or Mary Beth - lol.
Dad took my hand & we made a beeline for stadium parking...
"You're sure this kid was from Nebraska?" he asked me. I sniffled & responded "Yes."
We made our way through the parking lot, weaving in and out of rows upon rows of giant church buses looking for one on which Joe might be a passenger.
I remember thinking we'd never find him... & being very sad about that & not knowing why.
The sky had turned all the way black when my Dad finally spoke & said, "That's gotta be it... go get this kid's contact information & then let's get back inside. I'm sure we've already missed most of the sermon."
I remember still feeling doubt as I walked up to the bus in line to exit the parking lot. This wasn't his bus... he wasn't on it...
I knocked on the doors to the bus & a obese man flung them open with the lever next to his driver's seat.
"Can I help you?" he asked rather rudely.
I pulled my denim jacket tighter around me and spoke up to him through the cold, "Is there a boy named Joe on this bus?"
The driver shouted something to the back of the vehicle & I was astonished when he motioned for me to step onto the bus.
I walked up the steps & peered down the center aisle.
...and there stood Joe.
"Hey, Nick!" he said, smiling, "What're you doing here?"
I stammered & stuttered & said "I wanted to find you and tell you goodbye."
Joe said, "Sorry we had to leave so soon. I'm glad you found me, though. I was gonna give you this!"
Joe reached in his pocket & pulled out the tiny GameBoy cartridge we'd been amusing ourselves with all weekend.
"For when you get your Gameboy."
"Thanks, Joe." I said.
...and the next thing I remember doing was leaning in & giving him the biggest hug I'd ever given another boy.
...and Joe hugged back. ...and it was the best feeling ever. 👂👂
So I guess, in retrospect, that's when I knew.
It's hard to believe I ever forgot! Something so monumental in one's life shouldn't be banished from the memory.
Joe gave me his address & I wrote him a letter on the bus ride home that I had my Mom mail the second I got back.
We wrote back & forth a few times but then lost touch... I have no idea what happened to him but I still have the wallet sized school picture he mailed me with one of his letters.
I feel like at twenty eight I'm still roaming through an endless sea of church buses looking for one boy in particular...
...and my Dad, God, is holding my hand helping me search reassuring me with words & insisting we can find him... we will find him.
Since taking my sleep tech exam I've had a little time to resume dating... I've gone out with a few guys here in San Antonio & there've been one or two who definitely have potential...
I'm eager to meet whoever may be out there who with one hug can replicate the emotions I remember feeling holding Joe in my arms.
Not caring what anyone thought around me...
...and being certain for the first time that God is love & that love was awesome.
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