A few weeks ago when I flew home to see my parents I saw something that has been stuck in my mind ever since.
There at however many thousands of feet in the air we were hovering over the great state of Oklahoma I saw... a PlayBoy.
Now, before all those of you out there who have been praying that I'd be set free from my the chains of my "Divisive Lifestyle" start shouting your hallelujahs let me expound.
It wasn't the magazine itself that intrigued me. Heck, I didn't even see inside it (nor did I WANT to see inside it!). It was concealed in a backpack sitting on the floor at the feet of it's owner, who was sleeping contently (and drooling a little bit, actually) as his private collection of leisure reading material spilled outta his backpack for all the world to see.
Only the top of the magazine sporting the infamous bold-cap red letter banner head was visible.
Now, maybe anyone else could have just observed the situation and then cast a judgmental gaze while whispering an accusing "Pervert!" under their breath.
But I was much too intrigued to play the part of hypocrite.
The reason being was because sticking very prominently out of the top of the magazine was what appeared to be a bookmark!
The entire flight home it drove me absolutely crazy. I kept looking down at it while munching on pretzels and sipping diet coke and thinking... Why would anyone use a bookmark for pornography?!?
Did the guy have THAT much trouble keeping up with the storyline?
I imagined him getting off the plane once it landed in Wichita and heading to his hotel... unpacking his suitcase and storing his clothes in the dresser drawers. Perhaps he'd have some dinner with a colleague and then go back to his room to relax. He'd pick up his magazine and say "Now, where was I?" Turning to the bookmarked page he'd exclaim, "Oh, yes, the part where the girl was doing degrading things in the nude! That's right!"
The plane landed, the guy woke up and we both exited. Had it been a layover I really think I would have had to have asked him what the deal was... But my Mom, who I hadn't seen since before Christmas, was waiting for me and I was very anxious to see her... thus, my curiosity went by the wayside.
I actually didn't even think about it again until the other day while doing a little bit of browsing a the local Christian bookstore.
They had a whole array of bookmarks on display.
Most of them were those laminated ones the size of playing cards that have names and their meanings printed on them.
I, of course, had to look to see if they had one with the name "Nicholas" on it.
Used to be I could NEVER find anything with my name on it. But I guess now that there's a whole generation of us "Nicholas"'s in out twenties merchandise with our names on it is more readily available.
Such was evidenced in the fact that there was about 30 "Nicholas" bookmarks in stock at the Christian Bookstore where I was shopping.
When last I checked my name meant "Leader of Men". That definition had been the one I'd found while completing a project in Jr. High where we had to look up the meaning of our names and then write an essay on "What God Expects Me To Accomplish" based on what we found.
Lol... sidebar: "What God Expects Me To Accomplish"... yeah, we were CLEARLY firmly founded in the whole "Salvation Not Being By Works" doctrine... lol.
Anyway, I was surprised see that the meaning of my name had been slightly modified since the last time I'd checked.
The bookmark had my name in large cursive writing. In a smaller font set below it it read "He Who Ushers In Change".
And as tacky as it was with it's exaggerated fonts and waterfall background I found that that meaning set very well with me, actually.
Recently while meandering down Austin's infamous 6th Street with some friends on a Saturday night I saw a lady wearing a tee-shirt that read "THIS is Freedom?".
And while I know that it was actually a commentary on the way things are currently going down in Iraq and the populace's distaste for the current leader of THIS country, I found that the sentiment was also appropriate when applied to my own frustrations with the faith.
Frustrations that have been with me a LONG while.
Frustrations that I hope will continue to anger me enough that I WILL become one who ushers in change.
I am far from perfect. But perhaps perfection isn't a prerequisite when aspiring to help people to see things differently. Perhaps duplicity can best be pointed out to others by someone well versed in its routine. Lol.
I can think of no better example than the practice of a local ex-gay ministry that I recently learned of back up in Wichita.
As is the case in most ex-gay ministries, there is one house for women trying to conquer lesbianism and one for men trying to conquer homosexuality.
I learned of Wichita's ex-gay residency program in the year that I spent living back at home. I even visited the church that hosted it a few times and met some program graduates many of whom, even after a year (and several thousand dollars, I might add) spent daily consecrating themselves in the Word and asking God to change their orientation were still gay as blazes....
The brave ones would actually admit it.
One of them, a guy I became friends with and who I'll call Samuel, had reconciled his faith and orientation after a year of "treatment".
The few times that I visited the church with him we would sit together and he'd fill me in on what was going on. Together, we'd marvel at the afore mentioned "duplicity".
One Sunday the pastor stood up to announce that the Men's Ex-Gay House was going to be spending the upcoming Saturday doing yardwork at the Women's Ex-Gay House.
Samuel chuckled and chortled under his breath.
"What?" I whispered to him, curious to know what had made him laugh.
Samuel took an ink pen and wrote on the back of his bulletin, "Tell you at lunch"
Later over Panera he filled me in...
"The yardwork day... they do it every year. It's one of like a million exercises that they say they had us do because 'only when we make serving others in Christ's love the priority it should be will we have less of a desire to selfishly concentrate on deviance'. But then you get there... you start mowing grass and bagging up clippings and working up a sweat and the leaders of both houses have it all coordinated. The counselors running the lesbian house have them all go to the windows to watch the men from the gay house doing all the yardwork. Then the counselors supervising the men go around and tell them that if they're getting too overheated they should take off their shirts. It's not about 'Christian Service' at all. It's about teaching lesbians how to be horny for shirtless gay men."
I want to scream the slogan from that lady's tee-shirt when I hear things like this... "THIS is freedom???"
THIS IS FREEDOM?!?!?
Then I want to dig out the bookmark that I ended up buying that day at the Christian bookstore, hold it up to the sky and ask God "How, when, and where will I be able to live up to the meaning of my name? When will I get my act together enough to truly be able to effectively 'usher in change'?"
The way I remember, "If the Son has set you free you are free indeed." Beating your vices isn't something accomplished via learning new ones... and victory isn't secured just because you learn how to exercise socially accpetable sins in place of sins that aren't (lust for the opposite gender over lust for the same!)!
The verse in I John reads that if we ask "...anything in accordance with His will" that we can have faith that we "...will receive it"!
Thousands have spent hours on their knees before God asking Him to change them... some claim those prayers are answered. Many of them end up faking their victories... getting married... starting families... only to be discovered hooking up with male prostitutes in a gay bar in the wee hours of the morning years later.
But most (thank you, Jesus) MOST finally realize... If God says I can ask Him for anything... and that He'll give it to me if it's His will... and I've asked repeatedly... and He hasn't given it to me... then maybe just maybe it's not His will for me to change.
It's exhilarating to take God at His word. And it's scary because most people get very angry when you do so.
Because it's in those moments that you start down the path towards actually BEING someone who can usher in change.
The only frustrating thing is the process.
You start an exciting process... the story builds momentum... the plot's building towards this grand crescendo and then - you have to stop.
Right in the middle.
Right when it's getting good.
Because even visionaries have to take time to do the everyday things like paying bills, maintaining relationships with family, and working towards climbing the corporate ladder.
You realize that just because you're capable of being an agent of change doesn't mean you have permission to stop being a responsible adult.
And that's where the concept of a bookmark comes in quite handy.
Some may use a laminated piece of plastic in order to keep track of which topless blonde bombshell they were last looking at...
But you and I can take it to a whole new level.
A passion to see things change... to see things come full circle and witness a world be re-born where people are acceptable because and only because Jesus says they are...
Just fold your heart in two and bury that passion in the crease... 😊
