The Sweet Reprieve (Pilot Post)

Isaiah 42:9

It's a verse I know well.  😊

In a way, it's the verse that's been guiding the experience of my Christianity since I was 23 years old.

And now?  

Now it gets to be the Bible verse that kicks off what I'm hoping will be the blog that narrates my life journey as it starts a new chapter.

The chapter that has it's beginning with my 40th birthday (celebrated just a month or so ago). 😊

"Behold, the former things have taken place and now new things I declare to you.  Before they spring into being, I announce them to you."

I mean... whether you're someone who considers themselves a Christian or not that's a stellar little line of prose!

At any given point in our lives, wouldn't we all like the luxury of being able to channel the authoritative voice of God Himself and  just declare "Yesterday is yesterday and it's done!  Onward and upward into the new things that are waiting for me!"? 

I've already set that kind of wrecking ball loose to demolish the spiritual ruins of my Christianity more than a few times in my short(?) life.

I won't bore you with the exhaustive recap.  Or maybe I will!  Lol.

Suffice it to say, I'm a 40 year old gay guy who grew up in a very evangelical environment both at home and at school.

I've seen the underbelly of contemporary Christianity enough times that I could sketch you a portrait of it's engorged network of teats and nipples from memory!  Spoiler: She's a busty gal and she leaks a lot... some of her secretions are sweet like NesQuik but a majority of them are milky poison.  

And it makes me sad.

But it also gives me a LOT to reflect on.

This will be the corner of online realty where I break down those reflections.

If you're someone who has read my stuff in the past, get ready for the same quality of stuff you've come to expect from Nick.

If you're a brand new reader of my stuff?  I'm sorry.  lol

I will very likely offend you in the near future.

I'm quite frequently criticized by Christian conservatives as being way too liberal and also criticized by socially progressive folk as being way too governed by the tenants of my faith.  (👂)

I support the police, I love Pete Buttigieg, the Message is my favorite paraphrase of the Holy Bible, I have seen every episode of both Queer As Folk & The Chosen.  I think Dr. Anthony Fauci is a dangerous con-man, Billy Graham is one of my personal heroes and I struggle with whether or not to buy tee shirts depicting the images of Rick & Morty because - while their humor does occasionally render me paralyzed from laughter - they use the name of Jesus as a swear word and, well, nothing makes me more damn uncomfortable than that bullshit!   

Confused yet?  Join the club. 

Above all, I strive to be transparent and real in everything I've ever authored and that commitment to that writing style is one I will take just as seriously in future writing sessions as what I always have.  😊

So what is this blog and why have I titled it "The Sweet Reprieve"?

Well, I always try to prophetically title my blogs to match the season of life I'm in.

My first online blog ever was called "Hasty Obedience" and it outlined a time in my life where I broke myself of the bad habit of trying to be obedient to God before He'd ever issued an order.  

My journal entries during that time in my life were ones in which I took an honest inventory of all the things I *said* that I was doing "for God" and then evaluated whether or not that was truth or falsehood.  

It turned out, nearly everything I thought I was doing out of obedience was actually something I was doing to avoid having to address what God was actually wanting me to deal with - my inability to live honestly.

Reflecting in this way and through this medium led me to one, inevitable conclusion… I had to come out of the closet! 

And… I had to leave Bible College.  *Did I mention I was a Bible College student when I came out to myself?*

I was single and trying to navigate the minefield of dating while developing a sexual ethic in keeping with my Christian faith (with absolutely ZERO of my Christian acquaintances willing to try to help me do so!) and the blog that I kept during that time of my life was called "Pretty Pixelated Swishes".  😊

That’s because that season in life was focused on exploring what it meant to me to be a Christian who identified as gay... and it consumed a lot of my mental energy because up until that time I'd lived in full fledged denial that that was what I even was!

In my mind, I was a devout Christian who just loved Jesus too much to objectify my sisters in the faith.

The men in the weekly Kmart circulars who were modeling whatever brand of briefs were on sale?  

Well, sure.  I objectified THEM.  But I wasn't going to give Satan a foothold by telling anyone about it!

And therein lied the antidote, really.  Telling people.

Because I realized after I came out that owning these attractions - even if it made some people uncomfortable - did more to effectively communicate the unconditional love of Jesus than tricking some nice girl into marrying me and having my children ever would.  

It was a paradox as multifaceted as the spectrum of colors contained inside of a rainbow... all my realities blurring together at once into a color scheme that was vibrant, alive and "swishy".  😊

As I evolved and grew into myself, so did technology!

The world moved via mass exodus to an online social media platform known as Facebook and that's where I've blogged for most of the last decade in the form of Facebook "Notes".  

My absolute favorite thing that I wrote while documenting my journey via my Facebook journal was titled “The Gospel of Nick”.  It was a Christmas devotional and it was the centerpiece for the roughly twelve years’ worth of stuff I created in that space!

Those entries (and “The Gospel of Nick” specifically) brought it all back into alignment. 

Life had become full and a lot of my deepest desires had been realized (like the longing I’d let reside within for a genuine soul mate to find me!).

Keeping everything in perspective meant turning the lens back on the Entity responsible for redeeming every part of my life – Jesus. 

And that catches us up! 

“Hasty Obedience”

“Pretty Pixelated Swishes”

“The Gospel of Nick”

…& now…

“The Sweet Reprieve” J

So what’s this collection going to be about?

Well, a lot of things.

But for the most part I want it to be the place where I flesh out the reality that I’m done caring whether or not my readers think I've done an acceptable job of being both gay and Christian.

Because those two things are indisputably core to my identity whether you'd give me a passing grade on being legitimately either.

Since I was 24 I feel like I have spent near on every waking moment trying to justify myself…

And I think I’ve reached a point where I realize that if the people I’ve known the longest and worked at loving and respecting the hardest haven’t taken the time to attempt to understand what I am… and am not… by now?  They’re probably not ever going to!

And there’s a certain amount of freedom that comes with stepping into that realization. (👂👂)

I expected that if I ever entirely just “let go and let God” with regards to the folks who work the hardest to invalidate my Christianity, that it would be agonizing!  

I imagined it would feel like something just too much like failure… because after 16 years of (albeit, imperfectly!) trying to live in such a way that reinforces for my critics that my love for Jesus is still the thing that governs my decision making - I would have to own that I didn’t do what I’d set out to do!

I would have to own that my best efforts weren’t enough and that I’d failed to convince people that I love very deeply of the authenticity of my testimony.  L

I think that that has been too terrifying a prospect up until now.

But as days pass and as I enter this summer of 2021… having survived not just being an out and gay person of faith but a lot of other intense things as well (Covid Pandemic, anyone???)… I’m realizing that as I loosen my grasp on this mandate to PROVE I’m a Jesus Follower that it’s actually not terrifying.

In fact, it feels kinda… kinda… good? 

My happiness doesn’t have to be dependent on the people I love agreeing that I am who and what I know that I am. 

If they’re hell bent on believing that I’m “deceived” and “living in sin” and all the rest of the things that their self-righteousness mandates they diagnose me as, then – ok. 

I think I’m done trying to stop that from happening because I have an established reputation to the contrary… not a reputation of unwavering, saintly behavior - granted!  But a reputation as a recipient of grace that I don’t now (and never can) deserve!

Being content to just dwell beneath the shower head of God’s grace and not have to obsess over how your need for His mercy is being perceived?  Yeah.  That is – if anything is! – a Sweet Reprieve. 

Especially when you’re exiting a season of your life when you’ve made being the recipient of that mercy conditional on convincing other people that you have a personal relationship with the One Who administers it. 

I was raised to believe that legitimate, Christian marriage is - at it's core - a living metaphor.  

We are supposed to be able to see in any given union between any two given people a representation of Christ loving His church.

My hope is that if you are presently in a marriage that this metaphor is one that you feel runs through the veins of that relationship because, wow.  For me?  It unquestionably does!

I've spent the last 16 years working as an overnight sleep disorders laboratory technician.

Since 2009, I've even done it as a registered member of a national society of sleep disorders technicians called the BRPT (Board of Registered Polysomnographic Technologists).

The running joke in this industry is that if you devote your life to sleep disorders health, you will invariably end up with a sleep disorder yourself!  It's one of those things where you can definitely apply the cliche - "It's funny because it's true!" 😊

I could sit here for the next hour writing out the ways in which I feel loved by Zach Bieghler in a way that is comparable to the way that Christ loves His church.

But one way that he proves it to me week after week after week?  

He lets me sleep.

He knows that not only do I stay up overnights looking at usually around 1500 pages of brainwave data and trying to interpret it on the fly, but that I do that for three consecutive nights every single week.

Every. Single. Week.

He knows that I do this while actively trying to manage a pretty horrific anxiety disorder.

He knows that I do this while being away from home every week from Monday afternoon to Thursday afternoon; unable to process my mentally taxing work load with even little luxuries between shifts like being able to sleep in my own bed during the day... or eat off plates or with silverware from my own kitchen... or see my dog or cat... or have him there to hold for even a few, brief seconds while I reclaim my sanity.

This work and this pay?  It's a HUGE blessing of which I am most undeserving but the loneliness of being a night watchman to other souls as they slumber?  Alone in a building with only repeats of "Dateline" and microwave diet meals to help break up the monotony between extensive note taking every quarter hour?  

It sucks.  lol

And so when I go home on the weekend, my intention is always to soak up as much of him and our life in Kingman, Kansas as I possibly can!

I make plans for us to see my family... his family... we will go to the gym at least twice and work out together!  We'll try that new restaurant or go back for a favorite meal at one we've eaten at 10,000 times!  We'll marathon whatever show we're currently into on Disney+ or Hulu!  We'll visit brown chickens and brown cows til the barn ain't even standing no mo'!

But you know what inevitably happens?

My tired 40 year old body says, "Nick, you gotta make time to take care of you."

I feel so guilty because I hate spending what is already a limited amount of time with my hubs getting caught up on sleep!

But on Sunday afternoon, after we've had brunch or lunch or whatever... and after he's grown tired of watching me bounce my feet up and down in my chair in order to help keep myself awake through our Sunday movie time... I turn to him and I say - "I think I'm maybe..."

And he'll finish the sentence.

"...going to go lay down for awhile?"

"Yeah" I say, "...that!"

And he'll smile and let me... 

He deserves so much more and I WANT to make an effort for him so that He'll know what he means to me... but he sees me and knows my limitations and doesn't want me to deprive myself of the thing that I actually need in order to take care of myself.

Not only that, but if I have to do it multiple times in the course of one weekend he accepts that too!

If that's not the manifestation of the marriage metaphor I was taught to look for back as a kid in my fundamentalist Baptist church then nothing is.

My God knows I want to make an effort for Him... and so does my husband.

My God knows I long to make it known all He means to me... and so does Zach.

They both see me.

They both know my limitations.

Neither wants to deprive me of the things I need in order to actually take care of myself.

In a world where I have known only relationships with other people that I would classify as equal parts give and take, Zach just gives... and gives... and gives. (👂👂👂)

And it is embarrassing how bad I am at reciprocating.

But it's also the thing I cherish most.

The ability to power down... and sleep peacefully in the middle of the day on a Sunday.

The sweetest reprieve is experienced when those who love you the most work to create a space for you to be as weak and as tired as you actually are.

I dream of being a writer with a huge following... or the shepherd of a group of people on a spiritual pilgrimage together... or maybe just to FINALLY be taken seriously enough to be offered a salaried position in one of the sleep labs I've been affiliated with and to have some management authority to grow a program the way I *know* that it can be done!

My God and my Zach both see all those unrealized dreams and they have the same response.

"Go take some time to rest, Nick.  You're tired.  I love you.  I know you think you're in a tailspin but when it's all said and done your parachute will open and you'll blend into the skyline and take your appointed place. And the time spent snoozing?  It won't have disqualified you from ANY of it."  😊

"Ok," I mumble groggily.

I resign myself to the fact that all the great things I have yet to be and to become will wait until after just one more session of shut eye.

I look at him sitting on our living room couch, not angry at my fatigue... just wanting it to be alleviated.

And I stumble down the hall to the bedroom and lay down in front of the fan.

I close my eyes and I'm gone to someplace only Zach's counterpart in the heavenly realm (the Christ from the marriage metaphor!) knows. 😊

"The former things have taken place and new things I declare to you... before they spring into being I announce them to you."

I'm listening God... just deposit them into my subconscious during this sweet, sweet reprieve.

And then I rest knowing that there's nothing to be in this moment other than forgiven and loved.

So this blog will be about that.

And also a lot of other random stuff, lol.

But mostly that.

And if you find yourself able to read these entries and find a reprieve of your own, even if just for a few minutes???

Well, that'd be swell.

Just don't drool on my pillow. ;) 

Soundtrack For This Entry

(👂 )= https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42QCRK8CHy8

(👂👂) = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_89ZE1lWPA

(👂👂👂) = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3viLdtiecg