Dear Little Baby,
I suppose I should start with an introduction.I’m your Uncle Nick.
Wow. That feels really weird to say. Right up there with the first time I ever offered someone my business card. Actually, even weirder than that! I mean, I’m your uncle.
I’m your uncle.
I’m your uncle!
It really is a trip, little baby. In fact I’ve been feeling like I live on an alternate plane of reality ever since yesterday when I first found out about you. None of us really even knew if you coming into existence was even a possibility. For one thing, your Mom had been told by a doctor that she might not ever even have children!
It really is a trip, little baby. In fact I’ve been feeling like I live on an alternate plane of reality ever since yesterday when I first found out about you. None of us really even knew if you coming into existence was even a possibility. For one thing, your Mom had been told by a doctor that she might not ever even have children!
But now that we know you’re around it’s changed everything! So much for the opinion of professionals…
You have most definitely made an enormous difference in the quality of our everyday lives! I’ve been walking around in what I can only describe as a ecstatic stupor for the last 24 hours.
It was yesterday morning that your Dad called me to tell me that in about seven months you were scheduled to come into this world and make him a father… make our parents grandparents! ….make me an uncle!
“I hope that we have a good relationship, me and this kid.” I said on my cell phone to my old roommate David as I strolled the aisles of the SuperWalmart waiting for the TLE to get done changing the oil in my car. “I mean, I hope it’s more like the relationship between Uncle Jesse and Michelle then between Uncle Joey and Michelle.”
“Are you actually modeling your hopes for the future off of relationships between people on ‘Full House’, Nick? Are you really doing that right now? Really?” David asked as I threw an economy size bottle of apple juice into my cart.
“Absolutely. Michelle never respected Joey. He was this weird guy who was always talking in funny voices, putting on puppet shows, making dumb jokes. Michelle was annoyed with Uncle Joey. Uncle Jesse she loved. And who wouldn’t?” I postulated as I scanned the shelves before me for the Special K with Red Berries I’d seen advertised on sale in the weekly circular. “I mean if John Stamos was my uncle you couldn’t pay me to miss a family reunion.”
David laughed. “Your uncle, as I recall from your past descriptions, is no John Stamos.”
That’s for damn sure. I thought, switching out my selection of Special K for a box of Cocoa Puffs.
“What makes you so sure that this kid is going to be a girl, anyway?” David asked.
I paused. “I didn’t say I thought it was going to be a girl.” I said, trying to recall the previous fragments of our conversation.
“Not outright.. But it’s telling that you compared the baby to Michelle from ‘Full House’ as opposed to Jake from ‘Two & A Half Men’.”
“That doesn’t mean anything…” I said, shrugging it off and putting the pink pacifier I’d been looking at back on it’s clipstrip. “That was just the first thing that came to mind. I don’t care what it is as long as it’s happy and healthy.”
“Well, right now,” David replied, “happiness is pretty easy to achieve. Whereas you and I struggle to find reasons to be happy everyday this kid is jubilant at being promoted from zygote to fetus.”
I laughed. “Happy Fetus. Sounds like it could be a movie about Penguin Ob-Gyn’s.” I laughed again. “How scary would that be, a penguin waddling toward you with a pair of forceps?”
“Absolutely. Michelle never respected Joey. He was this weird guy who was always talking in funny voices, putting on puppet shows, making dumb jokes. Michelle was annoyed with Uncle Joey. Uncle Jesse she loved. And who wouldn’t?” I postulated as I scanned the shelves before me for the Special K with Red Berries I’d seen advertised on sale in the weekly circular. “I mean if John Stamos was my uncle you couldn’t pay me to miss a family reunion.”
David laughed. “Your uncle, as I recall from your past descriptions, is no John Stamos.”
That’s for damn sure. I thought, switching out my selection of Special K for a box of Cocoa Puffs.
“What makes you so sure that this kid is going to be a girl, anyway?” David asked.
I paused. “I didn’t say I thought it was going to be a girl.” I said, trying to recall the previous fragments of our conversation.
“Not outright.. But it’s telling that you compared the baby to Michelle from ‘Full House’ as opposed to Jake from ‘Two & A Half Men’.”
“That doesn’t mean anything…” I said, shrugging it off and putting the pink pacifier I’d been looking at back on it’s clipstrip. “That was just the first thing that came to mind. I don’t care what it is as long as it’s happy and healthy.”
“Well, right now,” David replied, “happiness is pretty easy to achieve. Whereas you and I struggle to find reasons to be happy everyday this kid is jubilant at being promoted from zygote to fetus.”
I laughed. “Happy Fetus. Sounds like it could be a movie about Penguin Ob-Gyn’s.” I laughed again. “How scary would that be, a penguin waddling toward you with a pair of forceps?”
“Ok, Nick.” David said, trying hard not to let his laughter betray his usually serious demeanor, “On that note, I’ve got to get back to work.”
The whole conversation, little baby, reminded me of when your Dad and I worked at Pizza Hut together for a summer. It was the summer, as I recall, that the Hut launched their Sicilian Lasagna Bread Pizza. That particular pizza was topped with little kidney bean shaped pieces of mushy, frozen ricotta cheese.
Your Dad, Neal, and I used to get through our shifts by being as goofy as we possibly could and I remember in particular marveling with him once that the little peanut shaped pieces of cheese were comparable in shape and size to a human fetus I’d seen in one of my college text books. For the rest of the summer anytime either of us were assigned to freezer duty we’d remind the other not to forget to set out the ‘cheese fetuses’ to thaw.
And that’s the kind of warped sense of humor you should get used to as fast as possible, little baby. Because it gets employed a LOT. Your Dad is basically the Christian evangelical version of Jim Carey. No one will ever make you laugh like he will. You’re going to grow up smiling - a LOT - and he’s to thank for that.
I’ll be to thank for spoiling you beyond what is reasonable.
Right now, as we speak, I’m prepping to take an exam that will certify me as a registered sleep technician. That’s right, your uncle is pursuing a career in the medical field… and since I’m likely to remain single for a good long while and because I myself live a very minimalist lifestyle in a one bedroom apartment with the cheapest rent anyone’s ever heard of I intend to spend mass amounts of money on you.
You will go to Disneyworld a ridiculous amount of times throughout your life and will likely get a PowerWheels upgrade every Christmas. Puppies, ponies, your college tuition… start making a list, kid, cuz, seriously, as happy as I’ve been since I found out about you I don’t think there’s a thing I could deny you.
Just get here safe and sound and we’ll have a nice long chat when you arrive… as quick as I can I’m going to be up at that hospital eager to meet you and hold you for the first time. There’s a lot we have to go over, after all. Probably more than what you’re going to be able to digest right away…
And that’s why I’m thinking it all through in advance, little baby… that’s why I’m putting pen to paper and trying to make sure that I invest some real time in passing on to you what little I have had a chance to observe and learn about life.
I doubt I’ll ever have a child of my own.
It’s just that fatherhood isn’t really compatible with the life I lead… and I’m not just talking about the “gay” thing. Don’t get me wrong, if I had to I’d make any sacrifice necessary and ammend my lifestyle to accommodate a child should God drop one in my lap one day… but for now I’m career oriented… passionate about social causes… and after doing a survey of my apartment last night I realized that the only place I was able to find that could accommodate an infant was the bread box. A baby deserves better than that.
But I promise you, I’ll be a kick ass uncle.
I’ll rival Uncle Jesse like you wouldn’t believe.
You and I are going to be tight - wait and see…
And, granted, while it might be years before your parents and Grandma and Grandpa let you anywhere close to these essays ( I do tend to use a little more adult language than is appropriate for the Sesame Street crowd ), I promise you right now I’m going to tell you the truth in all of them. I’m never going to lie to you about anything… ever! My views on things are my own and my love isn’t conditional on you agreeing with them.
You, just like all people, little baby, deserve the truth.
And that’s the kind of warped sense of humor you should get used to as fast as possible, little baby. Because it gets employed a LOT. Your Dad is basically the Christian evangelical version of Jim Carey. No one will ever make you laugh like he will. You’re going to grow up smiling - a LOT - and he’s to thank for that.
I’ll be to thank for spoiling you beyond what is reasonable.
Right now, as we speak, I’m prepping to take an exam that will certify me as a registered sleep technician. That’s right, your uncle is pursuing a career in the medical field… and since I’m likely to remain single for a good long while and because I myself live a very minimalist lifestyle in a one bedroom apartment with the cheapest rent anyone’s ever heard of I intend to spend mass amounts of money on you.
You will go to Disneyworld a ridiculous amount of times throughout your life and will likely get a PowerWheels upgrade every Christmas. Puppies, ponies, your college tuition… start making a list, kid, cuz, seriously, as happy as I’ve been since I found out about you I don’t think there’s a thing I could deny you.
Just get here safe and sound and we’ll have a nice long chat when you arrive… as quick as I can I’m going to be up at that hospital eager to meet you and hold you for the first time. There’s a lot we have to go over, after all. Probably more than what you’re going to be able to digest right away…
And that’s why I’m thinking it all through in advance, little baby… that’s why I’m putting pen to paper and trying to make sure that I invest some real time in passing on to you what little I have had a chance to observe and learn about life.
I doubt I’ll ever have a child of my own.
It’s just that fatherhood isn’t really compatible with the life I lead… and I’m not just talking about the “gay” thing. Don’t get me wrong, if I had to I’d make any sacrifice necessary and ammend my lifestyle to accommodate a child should God drop one in my lap one day… but for now I’m career oriented… passionate about social causes… and after doing a survey of my apartment last night I realized that the only place I was able to find that could accommodate an infant was the bread box. A baby deserves better than that.
But I promise you, I’ll be a kick ass uncle.
I’ll rival Uncle Jesse like you wouldn’t believe.
You and I are going to be tight - wait and see…
And, granted, while it might be years before your parents and Grandma and Grandpa let you anywhere close to these essays ( I do tend to use a little more adult language than is appropriate for the Sesame Street crowd ), I promise you right now I’m going to tell you the truth in all of them. I’m never going to lie to you about anything… ever! My views on things are my own and my love isn’t conditional on you agreeing with them.
You, just like all people, little baby, deserve the truth.
Without truth life is a constant disappointment. Some people think that the opposite is true… that if you withold the painful details that a smile is easier to maintain. But in your life, tiny one, I hope you see the wisdom in the philosophy that the truth isn’t intended to do us harm but, rather, to set us free.
And I guess that’s the main point I want to make before making any others.
You can trust me to be your friend… and to tell you the truth always… in addition to being your uncle.
And for now, the honest truth is this: I am so excited for you to arrive!
Just so you know...
And I guess that’s the main point I want to make before making any others.
You can trust me to be your friend… and to tell you the truth always… in addition to being your uncle.
And for now, the honest truth is this: I am so excited for you to arrive!
Just so you know...
