My Christian walk has taken on a very untraditional appearance these days.
God's alone with me in my apartment.We watch movies together in the middle of the night in between study breaks.
Sometimes I think it might not be Him I'm keeping company with anymore... that when you live in a world where everyone else fellowships with God behind closed sanctuary doors that it must be some other entity next to you on your loveseat in your living room in the middle of the night as you channel surf.
But I know as well as anyone that God finds us in our solitary places.
He's just as likely to send a raven to the river to feed you as He is to curl up next to you at three a.m. while you pop in your most recently received NetFlix selection.
He's always been here with me & I know He never intends to leave.
I said going into this year that I expected it to be a year of change & growth... rebounding from a lot of hurt that occurred in the year that preceded it. ...and to a large extent it really has been! Life *looks* promising.
I'm just so reluctant to take risks... to let people close...
I know this is a truly abstract blog entry... I know that it's not typical of Nick to come to the table without an intended message.
I guess I just want to officially be able to have this in print - a written record that for a little while on this hot steamy night in Texas I knew enough to know I still believe in God... in good... in renewal... in potential.
Even in me.
Someone who isn't sure why the hurt ever came or why it's hurt for so long but who is trying with everything in him to believe it's subsiding in the here & now... so slowly but so surely.
Before God & I watched our movie tonight I woke up from this dream about this person I've held genuine contempt for for about a year & a half... someone who I literally would love to punch in the face. lol.
In this dream I was eating out at this restaurant I love with friends & family. I don't know what we were all celebrating... maybe that I'd past my RPSGT exam! ...and it didn't matter why we were there - it's been so long since I've been out with friends I honestly didn't care! ...all that mattered was that there was music & laughing & love & the biggest frikin' platter of nachos I'd ever seen in front of me.
...anyway at the height of the celebration I caught a glimpse of this person out of the corner of my eye sitting at a table nearby.
He was surrounded by people I counted as friends in yesteryear and they were all engaged in a rowdy & raucous evening of their own celebratory processions.
...and the minute I saw him my entire countenance changed.
I stopped being happy & instead became angry.
...angry that of all the eateries in all the world he had to be at this one! That of all the people he could be out with that he was there with the ones whose absence from my life I still mourn... angry that in my life where I have to work so hard for happiness that he had it without even batting an eye lash...
I tried to turn back to my own table & forget about him & all who were with him but as I sat there trying to forget about it I felt like I could almost feel him boring a hole in the back of my head & telepathically asaulting me with his taunts.
"Get a clue, loser! I'm happy & you are miserable. Can't you see the way to get what you want in life is just to take it from someone else? Waiting on God for it means waiting too long! You don't even have any guarantee that what you want & what He wants are even the same freaking thing! Let's face it - if He were in the business of intervening in people's lives I wouldn't still be enjoying all I took away from you here a full year later... go on & finish your little party. Tomorrow after it's all over you'll just be your sad sack self again & I'll still have all this..."
I woke up from that dream angry that I hadn't acted on my anger. Done to him there in that world what I want to do in this one... set him straight - & employ my fists if necessary.
That's what led to my late night movie with God... and to the conversation we had afterwards about how lonely I am & how badly I miss being a part of a church. ... how sad I am that the ones I've visited haven't felt like He's anywhere on the premises... how jacked up it is that I used to be able to find him in buildings with altars in the presence of friends & how now all that seems like it was just an illusion all along.
He's always been here with me & I know He never intends to leave.
I said going into this year that I expected it to be a year of change & growth... rebounding from a lot of hurt that occurred in the year that preceded it. ...and to a large extent it really has been! Life *looks* promising.
I'm just so reluctant to take risks... to let people close...
I know this is a truly abstract blog entry... I know that it's not typical of Nick to come to the table without an intended message.
I guess I just want to officially be able to have this in print - a written record that for a little while on this hot steamy night in Texas I knew enough to know I still believe in God... in good... in renewal... in potential.
Even in me.
Someone who isn't sure why the hurt ever came or why it's hurt for so long but who is trying with everything in him to believe it's subsiding in the here & now... so slowly but so surely.
Before God & I watched our movie tonight I woke up from this dream about this person I've held genuine contempt for for about a year & a half... someone who I literally would love to punch in the face. lol.
In this dream I was eating out at this restaurant I love with friends & family. I don't know what we were all celebrating... maybe that I'd past my RPSGT exam! ...and it didn't matter why we were there - it's been so long since I've been out with friends I honestly didn't care! ...all that mattered was that there was music & laughing & love & the biggest frikin' platter of nachos I'd ever seen in front of me.
...anyway at the height of the celebration I caught a glimpse of this person out of the corner of my eye sitting at a table nearby.
He was surrounded by people I counted as friends in yesteryear and they were all engaged in a rowdy & raucous evening of their own celebratory processions.
...and the minute I saw him my entire countenance changed.
I stopped being happy & instead became angry.
...angry that of all the eateries in all the world he had to be at this one! That of all the people he could be out with that he was there with the ones whose absence from my life I still mourn... angry that in my life where I have to work so hard for happiness that he had it without even batting an eye lash...
I tried to turn back to my own table & forget about him & all who were with him but as I sat there trying to forget about it I felt like I could almost feel him boring a hole in the back of my head & telepathically asaulting me with his taunts.
"Get a clue, loser! I'm happy & you are miserable. Can't you see the way to get what you want in life is just to take it from someone else? Waiting on God for it means waiting too long! You don't even have any guarantee that what you want & what He wants are even the same freaking thing! Let's face it - if He were in the business of intervening in people's lives I wouldn't still be enjoying all I took away from you here a full year later... go on & finish your little party. Tomorrow after it's all over you'll just be your sad sack self again & I'll still have all this..."
I woke up from that dream angry that I hadn't acted on my anger. Done to him there in that world what I want to do in this one... set him straight - & employ my fists if necessary.
That's what led to my late night movie with God... and to the conversation we had afterwards about how lonely I am & how badly I miss being a part of a church. ... how sad I am that the ones I've visited haven't felt like He's anywhere on the premises... how jacked up it is that I used to be able to find him in buildings with altars in the presence of friends & how now all that seems like it was just an illusion all along.
...and as I try to dislodge a popcorn kernel from one of my back teeth with my tongue I'm simultaneously begging Him to just let something good happen to me... let me pass my test... meet a friend... or, if He isn't interested in blessing me, at least prove He's still alive, active, & well by reacting to the ones in my life who have no remorse for wounds inflicted on me.
I used to hate people who posted "woe is me" posts.
...used to want to send 'em a PM and tell 'em to stop their crying.
But that person is me now... and the reason I can't stop my crying is because I don't feel like I'm winning anymore... I don't see the champion underneath the surface the way I used to.
It's just me, God, & Netflix in the middle of the night.
...and I cherish every glimmer of hope that finds its way here to me.
How funny is it that as I was penning this blog in the overnight hours tonight I get a text from a friend in Cali as lonesome as I am?...
He says he hates sleeping alone.
I pause and am able to relate... I text him back that "I know the feeling" & wish him a goodnight anyway.
...and then unexpectedly he sends another reply.
It reads...
"...you won't be by yourself forever, Nick. You're young enough to be able to get through it & forget your loneliness when it's over".
I hope so... I think before looking with anticipation to the empty side of the couch.
I sit back, close my eyes, and go back to the party...
My Mom & Dad are there, of course.
My brother & his wife - pregnant as can be & reminding me I'm going to be an uncle for the first time by year's end.
My loony co workers...
...various friends from GCN...
...and, yeah, that jerk on the other side of the dining room is still back there.
But I have the option to be happy and forget about him... to enjoy what I do have & not dwell on what's been taken or how unfair it is that he got away with it...
...and I own my humanness so I realize I might not make it to dessert without going back there and slugging him...
But I'm going to try...
Yep, I'm going to try...
Because even if the whole thing is a mirage and it's just me at a table for one...
God's at home waiting for me on the couch...
...and He might not be all I want but He's certainly all I need.
