Through The Fish Tank (Originally Authored January 2010)

 Last night... for a brief moment... I thought I wanted to be famous.

I had ordered a pizza (too lazy to fix up something healthy for myself after driving back up to Salina from Wichita) and when the delivery woman came to the door I truly did want to have celebrity on my side.

She shoved the box containing my $10 special at me through the partially open door, rattled off something about coupons taped to the boxtop, took my money and left... the only evidence she'd ever been there a packet of parmesean cheese that fell out of her apron pocket on her way down the stairwell.

I returned to my computer to indulge in my dinner over the latest episode of "Modern Family" on Hulu and at some point whilst watching Sofia Vergara spit out her lines I ever so briefly began to crave... celebrity.

I bet Sofia Vergara never encounters a delivery woman who refuses to make eye contact... now, delivery men, I'm sure have a harder time with it but that's a whole 'nother blog... authored by a whole 'nother person. lol.

The more pizza I consumed and the more I thought about it, I realized that celebrity probably wasn't the thing I was actually craving... Celebrities, for the most part, are a pretty self centered and annoying breed...

Ok, not all of 'em.

For every insufferable Angelina Jolie there's a Rachel Ray you imagine you'd like to sit down at the kitchen table and spend the afternoon chatting with...

So maybe in my mozzerella induced reflective state what I was really craving was not "celebrity" but more of a muted familiarity.

To be known and well liked enough to perhaps show up as a clue on Jeopardy! every 3.5 years... or garner the occasional interview courtesy of Regis & Kelly.

I considered this further whlie examining the fridge to see if there was any carbonated beverages to supplement my greasy pizza dinner...

As I abandoned my search for a forgotten can of Dr. Pepper and popped open a Royal Chocolate SlimFast I decided that moderate celebrity wasn't any better than extreme celebrity and that having either wouldn't have illicited a response from the pizza woman that I'd have been satisfied with.

I went back to Sofia Vergara and tried to examine her again. What did she have that made me want to look her in the eye and make an instantaneous decision that I'd like her if I got to know her?

My Lotus rang interrupting my thoughts.

My new ring tone is "I'm Kissing You" by Des'ree from Baz Luhrman's retelling of Romeo & Juliet. :) (Pretty gay, I know).

I don't know who was on the phone but I was glad they called because something about hearing that tone at the particular moment jarred me.

Without even bothering to answer the silly thing, I found myself listening to the song serving as my ringtone and honing in on Sofia's eyebrows.

That's it! I thought. THAT'S what I'm missing...

I quickly youtubed the scene from Romeo & Juliet where the two star crossed lovers meet for the first time - you know the one: Leo's just finished up in the loo and is looking at fish in the aquarium and peers through the artificial coral to the other side of the tank to see his Juliet.

And she can't stop staring at him! And do you know why?

Caterpillar eyelashes!

Just like Sofia Vergara's!

People with caterpillar eyelashes make a lasting impression... you meet one and you'll spend your whole evening staring at them through a fish tank for sure!

Something about thick, full lashes draws people to you... makes 'em wanna stick around.

If I had had caterpillar eyelashes, that delivery lady would've let me into her life! Eye contact would've been initiated and maintained and she'd have been so distracted by Des'ree singing in her head that she wouldn't have even noticed I gave her a crummy tip.

I let "Kissing You" keep playing on a loop as I hurdled the pizza box on the living room floor and ran to the mirror to examine my eyelashes.

I whisked my fingertips over my eye lids trying to uncover some 'caterpillar-bility' in them.

It wasn't long before I began to feel more than just a little foolish. I walked over to the computer and minimized the youtube vid I'd pulled up.

I picked up my cell phone to see who the missed call I'd ignored was from... Mom. Who else? lol.

I called back and she answered... said she'd just been wondering if I made it back to Salina alright.

I told her I was finishing up dinner and that after that I intended to go to bed.

"Well, I'll let you go then, honey." she said.

"Ok," I replied, and then squeezing in, "Oh! And if I don't talk to you - Happy Anniversary tomorrow!"

"Thank you!" Mom said, sounding impressed that I had remembered.

"How many years has it been?" I asked, unsure.

"Thirty five." Mom replied.

"Wow. Thirty five years." I said.

"We're trying to decide where to go to celebrate." Mom added.

I heard my Dad pipe up in the background, "How about that barbecue restaurant we've been wanting to try?"

Mom yells back, "I thought you already tried that one!"

"Which one?" Dad yells in response.

I'm rolling my eyes by now, of course.

"The one that you were just talking about, Hugh!"

Dad: No I didn't try that one. I tried the other one down the street.
Mom: Well! Was it good or wasn't it?
Dad: The one down the street?
Mom: Why would I be asking you if the one you HAVEN'T tried was any good or not?

And now comes the point where I interrupt. "So," I say, interjecting, "to recap I'm home, I'm safe, and I'm going to bed now. Goodnight!" ...and I hang up the phone before the dispute over which barbecue restaurant has been sampled and if it is any good is resolved.

Thirty five years! Holy cow! I think. I honestly don't know how they've done it. Especially when you consider my parent's marriage has basically been three and a half decades of the discourse sampled above! Like a thirty five year Abbot and Costello routine...

I chuckle and return to the mirror. I sigh, still dissatisfied with the volume of my eyelashes... these are not eyelashes I can imagine asking a deliverywoman to invest five minutes in yet alone a potential boyfriend to invest thrity five years in!

And then I realize something.

I go back and watch the youtube footage again.

Leo's on one side of the aquarium.

Claire's on the other.

And yes, Leo's lashes are astounding, but think it through.

To Claire, Leo's image is distorted. ...and his eyelashes, well, they aren't even *discernible*!

He doesn't look like the young hot DiCaprio the rest of us are seeing... through the fish tank Leo has a round, gumball shaped head... his image is like one in a funhouse mirror... his face fat and his eyes crinkly...

But she stays and looks at him and is entranced regardless... even though to her the guy on the other side of the tank looks more like he will thirty five years from now than what he does presently...

I start the music back up and slowly pace back over to the mirror.

I look at my reflection for what it is... and for what it's not... slightly wrinkled forehead... eyelashes baring no resemblance to caterpillars... imperfect complexion...

And I think "Would I look at me through the fish tank? Even though I don't think the image I see here reflects who I really am.... would I look past it and consider loving someone like me for thirty five years or more?"

And as Des'ree winds down her anthem, I decide that though it may sound vain I have to answer 'yes'.

Because no one will love someone long term who can't love themselves in the here and now... caterpillar lashes or no.

Imperfect Pictures (Originally Written December 2009)

 In case you were wondering my new apartment is divine. :)

Granted, there are no shirtless military men running around outside for me to gawk at like when I lived in San Antonio (right off the air force base) but then again I couldn't stand on my balcony in a sweatshirt and take in the snowy surroundings by night while sipping hot cocoa when I lived there... I'm thinking, rippling pecs galore aside, it's been a definite trade up. :)

I'm finally getting settled in here too. It's happened all so much faster than when I made the move from Austin to San Antonio this time last year. I never did really feel at home there, come to think of it.

Salina is slow, sleepy, and Norman Rockwellesque. :) It's been kind to me as I've come down off the whirlwind of events that led me here (which began with an unexpected job offer from the regional hospital in town to come and work in their sleep disorders center).

Yep, things happen (across the board!) much slower in Kansas. :)

Case in point, no sooner had I had the Cox Communications people up to the apartment to install cable and internet then the lamp on the bigscreen went out. :(

I got in an episode of the Colbert Report and Tabitha's Salon Takeover and then... ka-put.

I promptly called the store in Texas I purchased the thing from and they assured it me it was still under warranty. They gave me the number to their local affiliate and I had to chuckle when the salesgirl there quoted me "five to ten business days" before they'd have the parts in to repair it!

With TV not at my disposal I have been making a lot of calls home. I'm newly back in state after a three year absence, I've got a nephew on the way, it's the holiday season - there's a lot to talk about with family right now!

My Mom is always up for a chat and the day the TV went out was no exception. She and I had recently just returned from DisneyWorld and were still having fun recalling the different aspects of our trip.

While we were there I auditioned for "The American Idol Experience" at Disney Studios. It's a show the park runs several times a day in which three of that day's park guests get to perform song snippets on a replica of the American Idol Stage for a chance to win an audition for the REAL show.

Mom was so proud I'd been picked. I sang "Drops Of Jupiter" by Train in front of about 500 people; didn't "win" but it was still one of the most memorable parts of the trip. :)

Before I took the stage I tried to give Mom a quick crash course on how to use my cell phone's camera to snap pictures (she was still fuming that TSA had confiscated the disposable WalGreen's cameras she'd bought out of her checked baggage - lol).

Mom tried but really only got a handful of pics of me performing my ditty that were of any real quality...

I sipped cocoa on the balcony and laughed as we recalled it together and suddenly my phone alerted me I had another call coming in.

This one was from the kid brother. I let Mom go and answered, eager to get an update on how soon I could expect to be an uncle.

"Hey," Neal said, "We just got out of the doctor's."

"So, what's the news?" I asked, stepping back indoors to retrieve some more marshmallows for my Swiss Miss.

I heard Alicia start laughing as Neal continued.

"What's she laughing at?" I asked, cracking a smile.

"She thinks it's so funny that for the last couple days we thought the baby was still breech and really he'd flipped around..."

I thought this over for a minute before admitting, "I don't get it. Explain, please."

I could almost see Neal's eyes rolling as he continued.

"A couple of nights ago I told Alicia I wanted to start singing the baby a lullaby before we went to bed. So for about a week I've been resting my head on her rib cage to sing so that it'd be by the baby's ears. Well, after the doctor told us the baby had flipped Alicia realized that..."

My sister in law suddenly came to life in the background and cut my brother off, "He's been singing to the baby's butt!"

Alicia and I laughed for about five minutes while Neal held the phone in silence. :) And then laughter broke out anew when Alicia relayed Neal had been going on and on about how after he'd sung his nightly lullabies to the kiddo he'd felt the area around Alicia's ribs and hypothesized the baby had a head just like his!

I hung up the phone, crashed on the couch, and laughed for about five more minutes before looking at the big screen in the corner again with disdain.

A little light blinked on the bottom of the unit. Underneath it read the word "Picture".

I still can't believe it's going to take so long for the repair people to get out here to fix said 'picture'.

But thinking about the conversations I've had with loved ones this holiday season I guess it's just in keeping with a theme.

A skewed picture, as a rule, generally takes a long time to address.

I don't know how long we waited for the pics from that Disney trip to be developed (only to realize that Disney World has to be EXPERIENCED because the pictures you take never do it justice!)....

...or how long my kid brother was singing to his baby's ass before a sonogram revealed it. lol.

...or how long I went looking at shirtless military men out my apartment window never realizing the sight of fresh snow weighing down the branches of every evergreen in sight was an infinitely more beautiful portrait.

When you look at a misrepresentation for a long time it can be embarrassing to admit it once you see things for how they really are.

But if you power through the shame you feel for having been looking at things the wrong way for so long you're always rewarded!

Seeing things the correct way for the first time is always just as exhilarating as it is humbling.

That's something I realized in the aftermath of another family conversation I had after my move to Salina.

I don't mean to paint my Dad as the one member of the family who is disagreeable. That's not the case. I can be plenty disagreeable too, believe me! :)

But he and I lock horns pretty regularly over the topic of the inerrancy of Scripture.

I've had a breakthrough this winter season in my new apartment sipping my cocoa. :)

Really, it's just been that for the first time I'm able to put words to something I've been on my way to believing all along.

And no one else has to agree with this - this is merely documentation of conclusions *I'm* drawing in my time alone with God.

For me, if we're talking about forcing oneself to believe that the Zondervan Bible my friend Kevin gifted me before I went to Bible College in 2002 is 'the inerrant word of God'... well, I'm done trying.

Because the truth is it's a copy of a copy of a copy that's undergone several language translations and maybe even in it's original form didn't include all the things it should've or could've.

There are gospels authored by Jesus' siblings and mother that I've no reason to believe are any less authentic or inspired & that didn't make it into 'the final draft'.

A Bible scholar friend even told me recently that Martin Luther (one of the founding fathers of the modern Christian faith!) even went on record as saying that the book of Revelation was included as Scriptural texts primarily because the council that drafted our modern day Bibles didn't fully understand it and were afraid to leave something with so much uninterpreted imagery out!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Luther

Yet given all that - 2000 + years after the fact we're still trying to incorporate every jot and title that *was* passed down to us into our modern lives.

I think God is probably honored by those attempts but I also, as of late, have to stop and wonder if He questions why we insist on looking at THAT as our illustration of choice of His innerant Word.

See, I believe God's Word very much IS inerrant... but I don't believe it to exist between the front and back covers of my Zondervan anymore... at least not entirely because, well, in my opinion it never did.

I sip my cocoa and I suggest ever so boldly that the 'inerrant Word of God' as it exists in its entirety abides only in Christ.

The Gospel of John begins...

1In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2He was with God in the beginning.
3Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4In him was life, and that life was the light of men. 5The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

Christ is the inerrant Word of God. It exists without error only in Him.

And for me, anything else is just a skewed picture... something I think I see as I should but really don't.

You know, I don't care if it *does* take five to ten business days for Aaron's to get over here and install the parts needed to revive my bigscreen...

The view off the balcony is a whole lot better...

And once you've seen the big, bright, snow covered 'bigger picture' everything else just looks like a cheap dimestore postcard anyway.

As we close out 2009 and get set to sail into 2010 let's all take some time to take in a view of the real world outside our windows...

...and remember, that Swiss Miss is going to need topped off with more marshmallows than what you think it needs. :)